Am I allowed to panic a little bit? 

It’s just because, you know, it’s actually happening. There is no way back. In around 7 weeks we will have, not just one child, but two children(!) The little, new, female addition to the family is due to enter this world on November 16th, and with the speed her sister arrived it might as well happen sooner than later.

So, these days it happens quite frequently, that I wake up and think: “What the actual f**k am I doing?”. At times I can’t even manage one kid, so why on earth am I about to bring another one into my life. And with that even more responsibility, worries, frustrations, and practical stuff that needs to be done.

Every. Damn. Day!

I don’t know if it’s preggo hormones or what, but the panic is real. It even strikes more often than it did when I was pregnant with Abby. I thought I would be a lot more cool this second time around. I was wrong. However, the panic and the worries are accompanied by a different kind of excitement and a confidence that I did not have during my first pregnancy, too.

Basically, my mind and my feelings these days are one exotic cocktail of worries and excitement.

I am worried. I am worried about Abby and how she will manage to have her little world turned upside-down from one day to the other. I am worried that I won’t be able to give her enough attention and that she will have to become a big girl – long before she actually is a big girl. She is still so little and has such a fragile mind. I really don’t want to mess up that beautiful mind now.

I am excited! I believe the best gift anyone can give a child is a brother or a sister and I can’t wait for Abby to meet the person that might turn out to be one of the most important in her life. I am excited to see them grow up together and be there for each other through good times and bad times. I think I’m even excited to witness their little fights and battles…

I am worried! I am worried about the new baby and how my feelings towards her will be. I am worried that I won’t love her as much as I love Abby. I am worried that I won’t be able to give her enough attention and care because I also have to be there for Abby. I am even worried that I will love her more than Abby. How do you scale love?! How do you share it equally?!

I am excited! I am excited to once again feel that deep, almost scary, overwhelming love that starts in the hospital and evolves and grows over time. I am excited to have double-up on that love that makes it all worth it.

I am worried! I am worried about myself and how I will cope with being even more restricted in my everyday life and life in general. I am worried that I won’t be able to handle it when everything is about everyone but me. I am worried that I will break down and want to run away from it all and only think about myself.

I am excited! Most of all I am excited. Excited to finally hold that little girl in my arms and get to know her. I am excited to see her sleep on her daddy’s chest and to watch Abby’s reaction when we tell her: “that’s your little sister”. I am excited for my parents to hold her when they come to visit for two(!) months over Christmas. I am excited for her first smile, first giggle, first steps. All those firsts, really.

Okay. There is definitely lots of excitement happening here and I guess it does, after all, over power the worries. However, I still want to keep my right to panic and be completely irrational when it strikes – The second baby panic!

Ohh, and btw. I am also so, so, so excited to get this pregnancy over and done with and to get my body back in shape. And to drink a cold beer in the sun…make that two.

Bring on summer!

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